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[01 Jul 2004|01:39pm] |
she says
she says she doesnt love me
she says she wants to bug me
she says high school isnt real
she says i have no appeal
she says chris caraba is her man
she says she wants to drive his civic if it were a van
she says that she cant wait for college
she says that she likes fall foilage
i think i am going to cry
i think i am going to die
i think she can fly
but she says that she doesnt love me
and she says chris carabas wife she wants to be
and if i won her the civic she wouldnt drive it
because she only wants a van with an emotional knit
i think, i think, i think
i think i am going to cry
she says, she says, she says
that she is going to die
i think, i think, i think
i think that i am going to fall
she says, she says, she says,
that she has to wear a fez
but wont she just come to the mall
with me
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[29 Apr 2004|08:50pm] |
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ive been sooo stressed out with finals and tyring to keep a good gpa because im afraid the colleges that accepted me will kick me out if i fail so im real nervous and stuff. katie says she never loved me and i dont know what to do about anything right now except listen to thursday and study history and i keep writing songs ill share them later
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[23 Mar 2004|04:49pm] |
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i hate you :(
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[11 Mar 2004|03:31pm] |
can you wait a week for sunshine?
this morning i woke up and felt like nothing before
the touch of your fingers and your lust i adore
please take me away from this place
just to see your pretty face
in the rain things are never happy
in the rain things make me want to die
in the rain things don't get as snappy
but soon youll never know you never knew
this morning i woke up and felt your prescence
your hair still smells like herbal essence
do you think we could leave this place
before the end of the human race
in the rain things are never happy
in the rain things make me want to die
in the rain things don't get as snappy
but soon you'll never know you never knew
do you think you can wait a week for sunshine
do you think you can wait a week for me
do you think we could sit together sometime
and soon you'll always know you always knew.
please
just
wait a week ... for me
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[16 Feb 2004|07:11pm] |
in 199 days i will be in college
i want to cry
im so afraid
what if no one likes me
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[15 Feb 2004|08:54pm] |
i miss her so much
i dont know what to do
I MISS YOU
my lovely dear
have no fear
i cant stop thinking of you
until my head goes numb in blue
i can tell your near
things will soon be so clear
i miss you
i miss you
like the shades of blue
like the roads anew
i miss you
i miss you
like all the clues
like the flu
please just come back
before i have a heart attack
because i miss you
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[31 Jan 2004|02:19pm] |
ok to make a long story short im just so twisted up and confused on my insides that i dont know what to do, god i hate feeling so alone. I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH
has anyone heard the new frantically falling ep coz i got it on vinyl the other day and its erally good
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[16 Jan 2004|12:51am] |
HOW COULD YOU
i hate YOU
you make me so BLUE
don't talk about my girl LIKE THAT
id smush you like a bug ON A HAT
because you dont DESERVE HER
and you will be okay SURE
and then go talk BAD THINGS
and im waiting for my phone to ring
but it never does because you RIPPED MY HEART TO PIECES
you a**hole you f***** i can't believe you DID THAT
HOW COULD YOU
I HATE YOU
YOU MAKE ME SO BLUE
donnie dont you ever talk about my katie like that ever again. i wont threaten you with a fight or anything because i am enough of a man to realize its not the answer but i just want you to know that i really cant stand you (not hate like the song says just really cant stand because hatred is bad in gods eyes) and that i hope that yu move realy really far away and i never see you again. god i cant believe you. getting her to cheat on me with you, oh god the pain. i wear my heart for the world to see and you smash it up like it means nothig. i dont even have any pges left in my black joural to write about this in. oh god and i cant find the dashboard cd. im too depressed to listen to anytingelse oh katie i cant stop thinking about her god god god please save me bring her back i cant deal with this
someone make him go away...
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[14 Jan 2004|08:04pm] |
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i hvnet been around lately becos my mom did send me to shock therapy which was really sad and emotionally traumatizing. i wrote a lot of poems tho when i was gone like the one below and now i have to pick up the pieces of my life i once had. its all scattered around me like shards of broken glass and its so delicate and i cant pick them up like i want. katie has a new bf and i dont know what to do becoz i still love her you know? my dog died to eveything realy sucks right now and god abandoned me and i just wat nothing more than to die or go back to shock therapy and have it work right. i start school again on monday and im really behind and colleges wont want to accept me and maybe i should just end this all now because its so horrible and hopeless. i ran out of pages in my black journal too, the one katie used to read. oh katie katie and her sweet hair i miss you and youll never no. chris caraba please understand me, i still cry to you every night i can.
ps i added some people with "crying myself to sleep" and "emo" as interests to my friends list because thats really how i feel right now and i need people i can relate to in my life, if only chris had a livejournal.
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[14 Jan 2004|07:50pm] |
hopeless rage lost in the sea of eternal regret and ever dying roses
sometimes i wonder
if im caught in a blunder
all this stuff moving around me
like i am a fish in the sea
but never will i know
the girl who loves me so
bcos i am too shy and afraid
and maybe shell degrade
my happiness
like a soul in emptiness
and sometimes it might be okay
to leave me helpless in the bay
because i am little old me
like a fish, a fish lost at sea
(screming:)
broken
broken
you broke my heart
like a dart
a dart in the dark
like a long lost stark
of white
so bright
so clear
i can see you now
fading fading
(singing)
oh and now what appears
this is a forest with some deers
girl u took my heart
and sold it at the mart
(screaming solo here)
cause im just a fish
a fish in the sea
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[08 Nov 2003|10:28pm] |
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omg i feel so lonely my katie, my sweet sweet katie broke up with me again i dont know what to do, all i do is listen to saves the days new stuff coz his voice makes me feel so much better and the lyrics understnad me. i am crying.
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[09 Oct 2003|06:20pm] |
omg its senior year of highschool and i just have so much work and now i'm going to shows a lot, i really like every time we smash our hearts into a hopeless ring of fire, theyre' this local band here and i want to model me and katie's band after them.
i think i'm faling in love with katie so i hope she doesn't read this, she;s just so nice and pretty ad she's been there all along and it never really hit me before, u no?
and i don't like it when people i dont know are mean to me on the internet. i don't like being told to f*** off i never did anything to u so please leave me alone.
im really upset cos FROM AUTUMN TO ASHES isnt touring here. omg.
i feel like crying again i hate it when i do this but i feel like i cant stop. i talked to my mom last nite and she said something about shock therapy or an insitution or something and i dont know why but she thinks it might be best.
i need to feel some love or something so if you read this plz comment it would meana lot.
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[18 Aug 2003|06:58pm] |
katie and i decided to start a new band it is me and her and she plays guitar and i sing and we are called sirens to say goodbye. i wrote a song today for us and it is called "saddest wednesday in june."
saddest wednesday in june
it was our last day together
you floated like a feather
i didnt want to say goodbye
i just wanted to say hi
but you wanted to leave me
because i didnt have the key
and now all i want to do is cry
all my tears into the sky
because you left me at the full moon
on the saddest wednesday in june
i dont know what to do
i feel like im coming down with the flu
sometimes i get really angry at her
like itchy animal fur
you left me
you left me at the full moon
on the saddest wednseday in june
---
it basically taks about how i feel abot sarah and im not good enuff cuz even tho i gaged my ears for her but mabe tomorrow shell feel diferent i need to go cry now and write things in my black journal
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[16 Aug 2003|04:57pm] |
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mood |
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afi |
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sarah doesnt like me, i think. i think its beccause im not hardcore. we went to see yellowcard last night and they were good and i wouldve had a real good time except sarah kept going off and talking to thse hardcore guys. i think theyre hardcore at least they have black hair and tatoos *everywhere* and really big weird holes in their ears. she said that she likes one of them and i had to go to the bathroom and cry because i was so upset and i dont kno what to do. i mean sarah means soooo much to me, ive known her for an entire two days and it seems like forever omg shes my best friend and i want to marry her she is sooooo pretty. i wrote a song for her about how much i love her sweet hair and skin and how pretty she looks with studded belts and sideways hats. omg u have no idea how sad i am about this. she means so much to me i cant just let her go you kno?
i bought a cd of this band called every time i poison the well or something and they scream a lot and sarah says that she really likes them so i am gonna start listening to them alot and maybe shell like me. i died my hair black last nite too and katie said she ould take me to tatoo haven tomorrow to get those big holes in my ears, i think its called gaging but im not sure. i lve katie because she said shell help me get sarah, omg thank u katie soooo much.
heres the song i wrote for sarah
you put a hole in my heart
i thought you liked me
but i guess this cant be
why do you taunt
why do you flaunt
i thought we were together
i thought wed be forever
ive known you for two days
im lost in a haze
you have sweet hair
dont leave dont you dare
i love your skin
and your shin
why arent you mine
i think im dying
yeah yeah
(scream)
yeah yeah
your studded belts
make me melt
and those sideways hats
dont make you look fat
why arent you mine
i think im dying
yeah yeah
(scream)
i think its real good beause its one of my deepst songs yet and it really expresses how i feel., i have band practice now, bye.
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[15 Aug 2003|07:44pm] |
omg i forgot my password but then i found it so i can write again, im really happy
umm whats been going on with me, my gf brok eup with me so i started a band we are called falling blood in autumn, i think we have some mp3s somewhere anyway i rite all the lyrics here is a sample
why did you break up with me
i feel the knife digging into my heart
why did you kill me
i feel the blade digging into my smarts
oh my god
why why
(this is where i scream)
ive goten into hardcore lately too i still love emo like saves the day but hardcore just fits me more right now you kno? its cause i feel angry and stuff and emo just doesnt let me scream just cry and i like screaming right now it feels good. i scream a lot in my lyrics. i listen to a lot of thursday and im getting into from autumn to ashes cuz of my sister but theyre still a little bit too screamy, but thursday is sooo tuff and i luv them especially that one song understanding in a car crash, have any of you heard it? its soooo good.
i gotta go right now tho sarah is here and she is my new crush and i hope she liesk me too
ps i saw dashboard on mtv his new stuff is kewl
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[05 May 2003|09:52pm] |
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OMG I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I AM LOST IN A SHOE
HOW LONG MUST I WAIT
FOR YOU TO CONTEMPLATE
I AM TIRED OF BEING SAD
DON'T YOU THINK THERE IS MORE TO BE HAD?
IN LIFE THAT IS
LIKE BEING A MATH WIZ
I WAS SCARED AND I'M SORRY
BUT I AM SO TIRED OF BEING SAD
OH SO TIRED SO TIRED SO TIRED.
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[29 Jun 2002|06:33pm] |
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music |
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coffeeshop friday - maybe is enough for me |
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has anyone heard of this local band around here called Coffeeshop Friday. they are by far the best local emo band i've ever seen, i since big things for them, hey, whats that i see?! i can see them reaching DASHBOARD STATUS. does it get any bigger? i cant wait for their new EP to come out!! here's the track list! everyone check them out!
Coffeeshop Friday - Hopelessness Has A New First Name EP
1. Maybe Is Enough For Me
2. I Guess
3. Clunky Black Shoes
4. Goodwill
5. 4 Hours Seems Like Infinite
6. Perfect Game Of Bowling
i cant wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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[27 Jun 2002|11:42pm] |
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student*rick - meet you halfway there |
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god, my sister wont turn down her hXc music. i cant describe how much i hate "from autumn to ashes". ok, well maybe i dont hate them, thats too strong of a word, but maybe she should invest in something a little bit more understandable, like student*rick or the get up kids. i love them so much, one of the songs I SWEAR HE WROTE IT FOR ME! if you guys ever get a chance download tguk - "mass pike". i swear he was in my head, i was thinking those exact lyrics.
oh guess what, we ran out of grape juice! great! now i have to drink coke :( i hope god can help me get through this, he always has. i love you, god.
my girlfriend hasnt called me tonight, neither has katie. what the? gosh! does ANYONE like me anymore? probably not, another night of dashboard and tguk, it looks like. i wrote a song to get my emotions out. it's mainly about god and what he's done for my life.
guidance
the tears are flowing once again
i would cuss with anger, but thats a sin
and i would never disobey the one and only holy ghost
he's my only maker, he's my only host
i've always followed the 10 commandments
god doesnt ask for much, those are his only demandments (i had to improvise)
hes been with me through thick and thin
through then and when
even the time i broke up with jen
i didnt even know i could cry so much
i cried a lot, it was probably my fault
i kept all my feelings inside of a vault
a vault inside my heart
but god gave me a new start
a new hope and a beginning
with gods reassurance, i can begin winning
fight the good fight, i love you all
even if you dont love me back
read your makers book, he will guide you through everything
a mixture of god and emo, does life get any better?
________
tell me what you think, please comment, i feel like none of you like reading my journal.
dashboards on mtv!!! gotta run!! <3 ya!
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[27 Jun 2002|04:10am] |
oh my gosh, tonight is just *worse* than last night.
today sucked, what else is new. i showed three people some of my new poetry, and they didnt say anything about it. i mean, if they think i suck that bad, they should just tell me rather than let me sit there wondering if i suck or not. i wrote them a song:
just tell me
if you dont like my poetry
just tell me to my face
so i dont have to go
feel out of place
i dont like your writing
i think it really sucks
so dont insult mine
unless you give me a million bucks
my poetry is deeper than yours
and more insightful too
ill go dance on the moors
i wish i didnt feel so blue
STOP LYING TO ME
________
i really dont understand people, they make me so sad. but katie made up for it by telling me that my poetry is really deep, no matter what anyone says, and i was so touched i cried. i wrote another song, but its for *her eyes only* cause shes special. she even came over today during my mental breakdown over people hating me, and we sang to dashboard together. i wish my girlfriend in asia could do that with me. it makes me sadder to think she could be singing to dashboard with other boys. i mean, katie is just a friend, what if those boys arent? im so worried now. gosh, i hate this.
after katie came over we went to a coffee shop that i always go to write at, and we drank lots of mocha, and i like them when theyre so thick you almost choke. i showed her my notebook, and she said the tear stains made her sad. i dont want to make katie sad. but i want her to see me - the real me, which is my notebook with all my poetry that i post here, and my tear stains. i wrote this one poem about waking up with tear stains all over my pillow, and how mxpx reminds me that god is watching over and he'll make sure everything is okay, tear stains and all. but katie said it really got to her, and then i saw a tear come out of her eye, and before i knew it we were both sobbing in the middle of this coffee shop, and now my journal pages are REALLY stained. but thats okay, because katie said she was sorry, and gave me a bunch of her dashboard confessional pictures for me to decorate the front cover with. so i have a real pretty dashboard notebook now. thanks katie <3
but after we stopped hanging out, i got real depressed again, and i locked myself up in my room and turned up the juliana theory as loud as i could, and started screaming the lyrics. i was real hardcore. i feel bad now, because of that dream with my girlfriend where i freaked out that she was turning hardcore, cause im afraid of them. but now im real sad again, and i miss my girlfriends voice *so* much. i wish five dollar phone cards *never* ran out. im making her an emotional mixtape, i hope she likes it.
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[26 Jun 2002|02:13am] |
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Dashboard Confessional - A Plain Morning |
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its soo late and i cant sleep cause im afraid im going to have another nightmare about my scuffed black shoes. that was awful. i felt extra lonely today so i made myself a big ice cream sundae but then puked it all over the place cos i think i have the stomach flu, and everyone will hate me even more from it, and god life sucks. sometimes i just think why dont i bash my brains out onto this desk right in front of me, cos if my girlfriend doesnt like me, then i have no reason to live. but then i put on some five iron frenzy or mxpx, and they remind me that god is here for me, and that he is watching over me. i think thats what keeps me here. i didnt believe in god until i listened to mxpx. the first time i heard them i knew that something had to create them, cos theyre amazing, too amazing to just be human. so i think that god is using them to make sure i dont kill myself. god loves me. so dont worry everyone, i wont kill myself, but that doesnt stop me from crying myself to sleep every night.
i used to cut myself sometimes when i just couldnt take the unbearable pain of my exgirlfriend talking to other boys who i know just wanted to get in her pants. they said they didnt, cos they already had girlfriends that they slept with - which is so totally wrong, god would never want us to have premarital sex - and they said my girlfriend was a "prude," whatever that means, but i dont believe them. they wanted her, how could they not, and they were just lying. so i used to cut myself while listening to noise ratchet and dashboard confessional, and then id write more songs. when i become less afraid of posting my inner and deepest feelings on here i might share some of those songs with you, but theyre pretty depressing. actually ill just post one now cos you might be able to relate to it and then you should be my girlfriend.
torn up inside
i am torn up inside
like a giant roller coaster ride
i feel i have lots to hide
and very little pride
i dont know where to confide
it makes me sad
that i make my girlfriend mad
but it makes me glad
that shes not a fad
cos well be together forever
no matter what those dumb jocks say
dont listen to them never
lets just go and pray
my arm is bleeding
im in needing
where oh where
is my girlfriend
cos i love her
and i need to mend
this messy blur
________
i think thats the deepest thing ive ever written, deeper than the other two poems about the meaning of life i posted earlier, cause that one goes into my truest and deepest feelings. OH NO, this is making me too sad now. JUST REMEMBER GOD IS ALWAYS WITH YOU. i have to go cry now. *tear*
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